Two and a Half Men
Charlie is a well-to-do bachelor with a house at the beach, a Jaguar in the front, and an easy way with women. His casual Malibu lifestyle is interrupted when his tightly wound brother Alan, who's facing a divorce, and his son Jake, come to live with him. Together, these two and a half men confront the challenges of growing up; finally. Complicating matters are the brothers' self-obsessed, controlling mother, Evelyn, Alan's estranged wife, Judith and Charlie's crazy neighbor Rose, who wants to be a part of his life and is willing to do anything to be around. After the death of his brother, Alan Harper meets and befriends a lonely young man named Walden Schmidt who turns out to be a billionaire. Unable to afford his brother's home, Alan sells Walden the house, and as a way of showing his gratitude, Walden allows Alan and his son Jake to move in with him.
Episodes
Season 12
The Ol' Mexican Spinach
Following a health scare on Halloween, Walden decides to reprioritize his life with Alan's help.
A Chic Bar in Ibiza
When Walden asks Alan to sign a pre-nup, Alan gets offended and has second thoughts about getting married.
Glamping in a Yurt
Alan and Walden have a meeting with an adoption social worker that hinges on them being convincing as a loving couple. Meanwhile, Lyndsey returns after 60 days in rehab.
Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight
Walden and Alan meet a birth mother who's considering them to adopt her baby.
Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.
Walden decides to foster a 6-year-old boy, but begins to doubt himself when they don't bond like he expected.
Alan Shot a Little Girl
When Alan realizes Louis thinks he's cool, he starts breaking Walden's rules in order to stay that way.
Sex with an Animated Ed Asner
Alan and Walden befriend three moms at a kids' gym, but things get complicated when Walden becomes attracted to one of them. Meanwhile, Alan goes out for a girls' night with a group of moms.
Family, Bublé, Deep-fried Turkey
Walden and Alan are determined to convince Louis that Santa Claus is real.
Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey
Walden discovers how challenging it is to be intimate with women when his foster son, Louis, is in the house. Also, Herb asks Alan if he can go on a date with Lyndsey.
Here I Come, Pants!
Alan takes it upon himself to help Walden keep Louis after the social worker discovers he and Walden are not really a gay couple.
For Whom the Booty Calls
Walden joins a group for adoptive fathers, and finds it to be a nice escape from Alan.
A Beer-Battered Rip-Off
When Alan breaks up with their social worker to get back together with Lyndsey, Walden worries it will affect Louis' adoption.
Boompa Loved His Hookers
Walden fears if he breaks up with Ms. McMartin, it will jeopardize his adoption of Louis. Also, Alan hesitates when Lyndsey asks him to move in with her.
Don't Give a Monkey a Gun
After they sign their divorce papers, Walden offers Alan the gift of his choice, but when Alan chooses something selfish and impractical, it puts his relationship with Lyndsey on the line.
Of Course He's Dead - Part One
Charlie Harper is alive. Or is he?
Of Course He's Dead - Part Two
The series finale recalls the life—and presumed death—of Charlie Harper.
Season 11
Nangnangnangnang
Alan is shocked when Charlie's 25-year-old daughter shows up at Walden's beach house to connect with what's left of her family, and who happens to like everything her dad liked - including women.
I Think I Banged Lucille Ball
When Walden feels cramped in his own house, Jenny moves in with Evelyn and her boyfriend, Marty. Meanwhile, Alan becomes Lyndsey's "other man".
This Unblessed Biscuit
Walden and Alan think it may be time for Berta to retire when she injures her back at work.
Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank
Walden starts partying with Jenny and her hot friends. Meanwhile, Alan and Lyndsey's illicit affair is jeopardized.
Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003
Alan befriends Lyndsey's boyfriend in an effort to find out what he has that Alan doesn't. Meanwhile, Walden helps Jenny be more proactive in pursuing her acting career.
Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants
When Alan learns Walden knows Lynda Carter, he asks him to set him up on a date with her. Against his better judgment, Walden agrees to invite her to the house for dinner.
Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie
Walden and Alan find themselves on dates with two ideal women until Lyndsey's jealousy throws a wrench in their evening.
Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.
Alan and Lyndsey's illicit affair puts Walden in danger, forcing him to accept Rose's help.
Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer
Walden's date with an accident-prone model goes longer than expected. Meanwhile, Alan dates a woman who shares some surprising personal information with him.
On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer!
Walden helps Jenny get a second date with a one-night stand and Alan's transgender girlfriend's ex-wife hits on him. Meanwhile, in the spirit of the holidays, Alan receives a Japanese delicacy from Jake for Christmas, and Walden's Malibu house is alive with questionable Christmas carol lyrics.
Tazed in the Lady Nuts
Walden joins his beautiful former employee on a brilliant new project. Meanwhile, Alan advises Jenny to open up to her girlfriend or risk losing her.
Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.
Alan lets Lyndsey's boyfriend Larry set him up on a date. Meanwhile, Walden offers to help Nicole with her software project so she'll have time to date him.
Bite Me, Supreme Court
After Marty proposes to Evelyn, Walden and Alan throw him a bachelor party with several of his old friends.
Three Fingers of Crème de Menthe
Alan learns that Lyndsey broke up with Larry and didn't tell him. Meanwhile, Walden sets out to prove that he's a man's man.
Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin
Alan gives Lyndsey the option of choosing between him and Larry. Meanwhile, Jenny fears she and Brooke are growing apart.
How to Get Rid of Alan Harper
"How To Get Rid of Alan Harper"- Walden suspects his new girlfriend is cheating on him. Meanwhile, Alan gets even more intertwined in Lyndsey and Larry's relationship when he starts dating Larry's sister, Gretchen.
Welcome Home, Jake
Lyndsey discovers that Alan is sleeping with Larry's sister, Gretchen. Meanwhile, Walden struggles with telling Barry to find his own place.
West Side Story
Walden gets an invitation to his ex-girlfriend's boutique opening. Meanwhile, Gretchen wants to spend more time at Alan's house.
Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang
Walden reconnects with Kate and is sure she's "The One" - that is, until he meets Vivian and becomes convinced she's "The One." Meanwhile, Alan and Gretchen grow closer.
Lotta Delis in Little Armenia
Alan stumbles upon an opportunity to make money. Meanwhile, Walden has to address his co-dependency issues.
Dial 1-900-Mix-a-Lot
Alan's girlfriend, Gretchen, insists he confess his true identity to Larry. Meanwhile, Walden goes on a road trip with Jenny and Barry to see his first car.
Oh WALD-E, Good Times Ahead
Alan confesses his true identity to Larry and has to face the consequences.
Season 10
I Changed My Mind About the Milk
Walden plans a big surprise for Zoey's birthday.
A Big Bag of Dog
Following his break-up with Zoey, Walden has a breakdown.
Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt
Alan and Lyndsey decide to spice things up in the bedroom.
You Do Know What the Lollipop's For
Walden starts to feel his age when a friend's daughter comes to town.
That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam
Despite Alan's warnings, Walden starts dating Rose.
Ferrets, Attack!
Walden has to choose between Rose and Zoey.
Avoid the Chinese Mustard
Tired of the complications of a traditional relationship, Walden hires an actress to play the part of his girlfriend. Meanwhile, Jake and Missi plan a rendezvous at the beach house.
Something My Gynecologist Said
Alan is hesitant to make a serious commitment to Lyndsey but gets inspiration from an unlikely source. Meanwhile, Walden enjoys being a boy-toy for a rich older woman.
I Scream When I Pee
Alan's smokin' hot, famous ex-wife, Kandi, wants him back. Meanwhile, Berta isn't interested in celebrating her birthday, so Walden helps make it special.
One Nut Johnson
Alan helps Walden create a new identity in order to find a woman who isn't just after his money.
Give Santa a Tail-Hole
Walden juggles having two identities - rich man and poor man - and Alan finds himself alone at Christmas.
Welcome to Alancrest
Using Walden's money, Alan invests in Kate's fashion line. Meanwhile, leading a double life starts to take its toll on Walden.
Grab a Feather and Get in Line
Walden and Alan go to Kate's fashion show in New York so Walden can tell her the truth about his identity.
Run, Steven Staven! Run!
Alan and Lyndsey's relationship is strained when he won't give her a key to the beach house. Meanwhile, Walden, Alan, Billy and Herb commiserate about women and relationships.
Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It
Alan has concerns when Jake brings his 36-year-old girlfriend home for a visit. Meanwhile, Walden tries to keep a secret from Alan.
Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby
Walden, depressed about being single on Valentine's Day, tries to convince Kate to give him another chance. Meanwhile, Alan's Valentine's Day plans take a turn for the worse.
Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries
When Walden runs into his ex-wife at a high-end singles mixer and they talk about getting back together, Alan worries that she's not good for Walden.
The 9:04 from Pemberton
Following a fight with Walden, Alan moves in with Herb.
Big Episode. Someone Stole a Spoon
Walden and Alan try to cheer up a lonely Herb, but end up partying a little too hard.
Bazinga! That's from a TV Show
When Jake cheats on his girlfriend with her 18-year-old daughter, Alan and Walden get caught in the crossfire.
Another Night with Neil Diamond
Alan has trouble coping when Lyndsey dumps him and Walden must find a way to help him get back on his feet.
My Bodacious Vidalia
When Walden encourages a depressed Alan to update his look and start dating again, Alan faces a moral dilemma when he attracts a married woman.
Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped
Walden dates a hot 22-year-old woman, but finds himself more attracted to her worldly grandmother. Meanwhile, Alan and Jake go on a father-son bonding trip.
Season 9
Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt
Ashton Kutcher joins the cast as Walden Schmidt, an internet billionaire with a broken heart.
People Who Love Peepholes
Judy Greer is introduced as Bridget, Walden's ex-wife.
Big Girls Don't Throw Food
Alan prepares Walden for a date with Bridget, while Jake decides to emulate Walden and drop out of school.
Nine Magic Fingers
Trying to rebound from his recent separation, Walden goes looking for Mrs. Right, while Alan has an opportunity to reconcile with Lyndsey.
A Giant Cat Holding a Churro
Alan struggles to come to terms with Lyndsey's risque movie past, and Walden tries to cheer him up by throwing a party at the house.
The Squat and the Hover
Walden receives divorce papers from Bridget, but forgets his depression when he meets a girl who looks eerily like her.
Those Fancy Japanese Toilets
Jake has a crush on his chemistry tutor, who has a crush on Walden. Meanwhile, Alan obsesses over the journal his brother left him in his will.
Thank You for the Intercourse
When Walden begins redecorating the beach house, Alan becomes overly emotional.
Frodo's Headshots
Upon his release from the hospital, Alan is met with a slew of challenges that test his ability to cope.
A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes
Walden hits it off with a British babe, but neither of them is sure he's ready to re-enter the dating world.
What a Lovely Landing Strip
Walden is trying his best to impress his new love interest when Bridget reappears in his life.
One False Move, Zimbabwe!
Walden's mother arrives and Alan is smitten with her, even as she reveals a secret about Walden's past that sends him into a downward spiral.
Slowly and in a Circular Fashion
When Walden's ex-wife and his mother try to take control of his company, he tries to enlist Alan as an ally.
A Possum on Chemo
Zoey tries to coerce Walden into cutting his hair and shaving. Meanwhile, Alan and Lyndsey rekindle their relationship.
The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack
Walden tries to loosen up Zoey by sharing a couple of Berta's special brownies.
Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy
Strained relationships and girl-fighting result when a huge storm traps Walden, Alan, Zoey and Lyndsey in the house on Valentine's Day.
Not in My Mouth!
Walden and Zoey's relationship suffers after they share a near-death experience. Meanwhile, Alan wonders if Lyndsey has a drinking problem.
The War Against Gingivitis
Things get tense in the Malibu house when Walden's estranged ex-business partner shows up looking to bury the hatchet.
Palmdale, Ech
Alan and Lyndsey introduce their mothers to one another. Meanwhile, Jake and Eldridge enlist Walden to drive them to a high school party.
Grandma's Pie
Walden breaks the news to Zoey that he is going into business with his ex-wife. Meanwhile, Alan and Lyndsey try to come to terms with their moms' new relationship.
Mr. Hose Says 'Yes'
Walden's commitment is tested when Zoey and her daughter come to live with him. Meanwhile, Alan gets more than he bargained for when he moves in with Lyndsey.
Why We Gave Up Women
After Alan suffers a minor heart attack, Charlie's ghost pays a visit to his hospital bedside.
The Straw in My Donut Hole
Alan is showered with love and affection upon returning from the hospital, but Zoey isn't so sure it's deserved.
Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!
Jake is pressured to make a decision about his future.
Season 8
Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud
When Jake finds out that Alan has been dating Eldridge's mom, he packs up and heads to Judith and Herb's. Meanwhile, Charlie decides it's time to cut back on boozing.
A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer
When Lindsey asks Alan to move in with her, Charlie will do anything to get Alan to say "yes".
A Pudding-Filled Cactus
Alan moves in with Lyndsey but continues to have a rendezvous with Melissa at Charlie's house.
Hookers, Hookers, Hookers
Lyndsey and Eldridge move into Charlie's house after Alan burns down their home.
The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel
Alan goes out on the town pretending to be Charlie, while Charlie sneaks off for some cosmetic surgery.
Twanging Your Magic Clanger
Charlie has trouble adjusting to dating a slightly older woman.
The Crazy Bitch Gazette
Charlie's past comes back to bite him when his girlfriend decides that his stalker, Rose, is just too much to handle.
Springtime on a Stick
Charlie and Alan try to set up Evelyn with Russell, the pharmacist.
A Good Time in Central Africa
When Berta takes a couple of days off, Charlie falls for her replacement. Meanwhile, Alan believes he's being stalked by Lyndsey's ex-husband.
Ow, Ow, Don't Stop
Charlie goes on a spending spree for his old fling, Courtney, who shows up after three years in prison for conning him out of money.
Dead from the Waist Down
Alan is ashamed that he can't afford to buy Lyndsey a birthday present, so he gets creative.
Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead
When Charlie and Courtney break up, Charlie falls into a depression and goes to see his psychiatrist.
Skunk, Dog, Crap and Ketchup
When Charlie and Lyndsey start becoming friendly, Alan's paranoia gets the best of him.
Lookin' for Japanese Subs
Charlie's obsession with the newly "married" Rose leads him to stalk her. Meanwhile, Alan grows concerned when Jake and Eldridge start videotaping stupid and extremely dangerous stunts.
Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak
While Charlie and Rose carry on their "affair," Alan's chiropractic business turns into a Ponzi scheme.
That Darn Priest
Rose uncovers Alan's Ponzi scheme and Alan, in turn, meets "Manny," Rose's mannequin "husband." Meanwhile, Charlie is eager to get some alone time with Rose.
Season 7
818-jklpuzo
Charlie must decide between his fiancée, Chelsea, and his old flame, Mia.
Whipped Unto the Third Generation
When Charlie's fiancée, Chelsea, convinces him to let Melissa, Alan's girlfriend, move in, the girls take over the house.
Mmm, Fish. Yum.
Alan plays nursemaid to Judith's baby and her tipsy mother. Meanwhile, Jake blackmails Charlie with an incriminating photo.
Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator
Alan takes a job working for Evelyn, and Charlie is forced to mend Chelsea and Jake's rocky relationship.
For the Sake of the Child
Jake refuses to stay with Charlie and Alan after they embarrass him in public.
Give Me Your Thumb
Alan recommends that Chelsea get breast reduction surgery and Charlie kicks him out.
Untainted by Filth
Charlie and Alan wake up together in bed with a strange woman.
Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.
Chelsea invites her beautiful college roommate to stay at the house while she gets over a bad breakup.
Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair
Charlie is crushed when he discovers he hasn't been satisfying Chelsea and Alan attempts to cure his thinning hair on the cheap.
That's Why They Call It Ball Room
Charlie discovers that Chelsea hasn't been completely honest about her finances.
Warning, It's Dirty
Charlie coaches Jake on the art of infidelity while his girlfriend is away for Christmas.
Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste
Jake writes love songs to woo his ex-girlfriend, and Herb and Alan hide their secret friendship from Judith's watchful eye.
Yay, No Polyps!
Charlie endures a colonoscopy to get out of a trip to see Chelsea's bigoted parents, only to return home and find them in his living room.
Crude and Uncalled For
Alan ends up in jail after a bar fight, and Charlie worries that Chelsea might be interested in the lawyer who takes the case.
Aye, Aye, Captain
Charlie's jealousy threatens his relationship with Chelsea.
Tinkle Like a Princess
Charlie runs off to Vegas and returns with a new wife, but she's not Chelsea.
I Found Your Moustache
Charlie and Chelsea have a post-breakup one-night stand.
Ixnay on the Oggie Day
Charlie has a return engagement with Chelsea's best friend, while Alan has an unexpected effect on a new female patient.
Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave
Jake's new friend, Eldridge, is a bad influence but Alan really likes his hot mom.
I Called Him Magoo
Alan tries for an intimate night at a hotel with his new girlfriend, while Charlie takes a different approach to obtain the "girlfriend experience".
Gumby with a Pokey
Alan and Jake go on a road trip while Charlie is visited by the ghosts of girlfriends past.
This Is Not Gonna End Well
Jake becomes Charlie's driver after Charlie has his license suspended, and to Charlie's chagrin, Alan makes plans to attend Chelsea's birthday party,.
Season 6
Taterhead Is Our Love Child
Charlie encounters an ex whose son looks an awful lot like him.
Pie Hole, Herb
Alan lends Charlie money and crosses a line in his attempts to get it back.
Damn You, Eggs Benedict
Charlie tries cooking, Alan tries dating two women at the same time and Jake tries beer.
The Flavin' and the Mavin'
Charlie romances Alan's sweet receptionist as Alan anxiously awaits disaster.
A Jock Strap in Hell
The guys bump into Jake's former teacher who became a stripper after a fling with Charlie. Charlie tries to help her out by giving her a room and a job, but things spiral out of control.
It's Always Nazi Week
When Judith kicks Herb to the curb, Alan comes knocking.
Best H.O. Money Can Buy
Alan tries to escape Judith's grasp as Charlie and Herb go on the prowl.
Pinocchio's Mouth
Charlie's new girlfriend asks him to spend the night at her place, while Alan tries to enforce a punishment on Jake.
The Mooch at the Boo
Jake disappears with the daughter of Charlie's neighbor, a former NFL player, and Charlie is left to cover his back. Meanwhile, Alan scores a hot date with the help of Charlie's Mercedes.
He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited
Evelyn offers to pay for Jake's college education, leaving Alan to wonder if he ever needs to work again.
The Devil's Lube
One of Charlie's old partners in crime dies, leaving Charlie to reevaluate his own reckless lifestyle.
Thank God for Scoliosis
Charlie and Jake fight for the affections of a waitress, while Alan fights sexual tension with his receptionist.
I Think You Offended Don
Judith is pregnant with a baby girl and Alan is convinced that he is the father. Meanwhile, Jake is in a contentious mood and Charlie thinks he knows why.
David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie
Convinced that Alan's family doesn't fully appreciate him, Melissa invites Alan to live with her and her mom.
I'd Like to Start with the Cat
Charlie finds himself in couples counseling.
She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime
Charlie has to remove a half-naked woman from his bedroom before Chelsea arrives.
The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'?
Charlie tells Chelsea that he loves her, but doesn't get the response he expects.
My Son's Enormous Head
When Chelsea gets sick and Charlie has to take care of her, he must also fight the overwhelming urge to flee.
The Two Finger Rule
Charlie joins Alan, Herb and his next door neighbor in a night of alcohol-fueled sexual reminiscences after Chelsea finds nude pictures of another woman on his phone.
Hello, I Am Alan Cousteau
Evelyn finally meets Chelsea and Charlie, and tries to prevent them from becoming friends.
Above Exalted Cyclops
Chelsea sets Alan up on a blind date with her new friend. Rose.
Sir Lancelot's Litter Box
Charlie reluctantly agrees to let Chelsea move in as he mourns the loss of his bachelor pad. Meanwhile, Alan finds that there's not much space left for him in the house.
Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth
Alan and Chelsea become best buds, and Charlie decides to take advantage of the situation.
Baseball with Better Steroids
Charlie starts to question his relationship with Chelsea when he hears that Mia is back in town. Meanwhile, Judith goes into labor and Charlie, Alan and Herb rush her to the hospital.
Season 5
Large Birds, Spiders and Mom
Charlie and Alan try to prepare Jake for his first day of Junior High, but may wind up traumatizing him instead.
Media Room Slash Dungeon
Charlie reacts oddly after an evening with his mother, and Alan's date reacts oddly after having sex with him.
Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo
Suffering from bimbo fatigue, Charlie lets Alan set him up with a woman his own age.
City of Great Racks
Charlie gets closer to consummating his relationship with Linda, but begins to see Rose's face everywhere he turns.
Putting Swim Fins on a Cat
Charlie has to find creative ways to entertain his girlfriend's 4-year-old son, while Alan becomes a human guinea pig.
Help Daddy Find His Toenail
Charlie's girlfriend is embarrassed to be seen with him in public. Meanwhile, Jake sneaks out to a concert despite Alan's forbiddance.
Our Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room
Charlie and Alan butt heads over Alan's place in the house, prompting Alan and Jake to move in with Evelyn.
Is There a Mrs. Waffles?
Charlie finds success as a children's singing star, which makes Alan miserable.
Tight's Good
Charlie tries to resist his attraction to his soon-to-be step sister.
Kinda Like Necrophilia
Alan seeks revenge when he discovers that Charlie stole his high school girlfriend.
Meander to Your Dander
Charlie coaches Alan in the fine art of breaking up with a woman.
A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh
Rose is back from England and takes very strange care of a very sick Charlie.
The Soil Is Moist
Alan dates one of his ex-wife's friends who reveals a secret about Judith's sex life.
Winky-Dink Time
Charlie goes with Jake on a double date and sets Alan up with a prostitute.
Rough Night in Hump Junction
Alan worries that Charlie's womanizing is out of control.
Look at Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty
Alan plans Evelyn's wedding while Charlie pursues his future step-sister.
Fish in a Drawer
The team from CSI investigates a mysterious death at Charlie's house.
If My Hole Could Talk
Charlie finds himself attracted to an older woman who writes self-help books, while Alan and Jake battle over a school assignment.
Waiting for the Right Snapper
Charlie tries to resist temptation when he meets the grown daughter of the woman he's dating and realizes they've met before.
Season 4
Working for Caligula
Now that newlywed Alan has moved out, Charlie returns to his bachelor lifestyle.
Who's Vod Kanockers?
Charlie finally tells Alan the truth about why he broke up with Mia, and a famous neighbor causes problems.
The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress
After nearly drowning, Charlie is convinced he saw his late father.
A Pot Smoking Monkey
Alan and Kandi become embroiled in an unconventional custody battle.
A Live Woman of Proven Fertility
Alan and Charlie bond with Judith's new fiancé in an effort to improve his relationship with Jake.
Apologies for the Frivolity
Charlie cannot see that he's dating a younger version of his mother.
Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head
Charlie helps Berta confront the man who impregnated her daughter, while Alan indulges an unusual fetish.
Release the Dogs
Alan seeks a cure for his insomnia, while Charlie pursues the mother of Jake's new girlfriend.
Corey's Been Dead for an Hour
Ladies' man Charlie and tightwad Alan go on a double date, leaving Jake home alone for the first time.
Kissing Abraham Lincoln
Charlie must choose between his girlfriend and his housekeeper, while Alan looks to sell Kandi's condo but sex keeps getting in the way.
Walnuts and Demerol
Charlie finds himself throwing an unplanned, unwanted holiday party as Evelyn tries to keep him from bedding his date.
Castrating Sheep in Montana
Berta discovers that Alan has been secretly dating her daughter.
Don't Worry, Speed Racer
When Jake tells Charlie and Alan that he often overhears Judith and Herb having sex, it triggers a repressed memory for Charlie.
That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami
Charlie has second thoughts after setting Alan up with their hot new neighbor.
My Damn Stalker
When Rose announces she is moving to London, Charlie must face his true feelings for her. Meanwhile, Alan tries online dating with unforeseen results.
Young People Have Phlegm Too
Charlie tries to keep up with a much younger woman.
I Merely Slept with a Commie
When Charlie and Alan tell Evelyn they don't think anyone would mourn at her funeral, she replaces them with unlikely surrogates.
It Never Rains in Hooterville
Realizing Jake's childhood is almost over, Alan makes a last minute attempt at father-son bonding.
Smooth As a Ken Doll
As Judith's and Herb's wedding nears, Charlie gets close to Herb's witty sister.
Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot
Alan prepares Jake for Judith's wedding, while Charlie continues his fling with Herb's sister, Myra,.
Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous
Alan befriends Greg, a gay single dad, causing Alan and Charlie to re-examine their own sexual identities. Meanwhile, Jake has a crush on Greg's daughter, Sophie. Jane Lynch also guest stars as Charlie's therapist.
Mr. McGlue's Feedbag
Jake comes into a windfall when Charlie takes him to the track, and Alan is stuck in that special hell known as the Department of Motor Vehicles.
Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-lookin
Charlie loses a girl to a young, handsome handyman, who is working at his house.
Prostitutes and Gelato
Charlie and Alan must confront their "daddy issues" when Evelyn's new boyfriend invites them to Vegas on his private jet.
Season 3
Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts
After Alan falls off the roof trying to fix the satellite dish, Charlie volunteers to look after Jake for the weekend.
Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover
Charlie turns Alan's chiropractic office into a brothel while Alan tries to avoid offending a large-breasted woman.
Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark
Charlie organizes an intervention to keep Alan from reuniting with Judith.
Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs
Berta moves in for a few days and sets Charlie and Alan at each others' throats.
We Called It Mr. Pinky
Bout of impotence causes Charlie to reexamine his feelings toward women.
Hi, Mr. Horned One
Alan is convinced that Charlie's new girlfriend has put an evil curse on him.
Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop
Rose's father confronts Charlie about his intentions towards his daughter.
That Voodoo That I Do Do
Charlie cons Jake into taking ballet lessons in order to get close to the teacher.
Madame and Her Special Friend
Wealthy, elderly woman sets her sights on Alan.
Something Salted and Twisted
Charlie helps Alan cope with his lifelong obsession to get women's approval.
Santa's Village of the Damned
Alan dates a Martha Stewart-like woman who takes over the house during the Christmas holidays.
That Special Tug
Alan's emotional breakdown sends Charlie into therapy.
Humiliation Is a Visual Medium
Charlie must deal with the challenges of a committed relationship that is not based on sex.
Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded
Charlie plans the ultimate romantic evening with Mia, and Alan dates a much younger woman.
My Tongue Is Meat
Charlie's lifestyle causes tension with Mia.
Ergo, the Booty Call
Alan tries to avoid bringing his sexy 22-year-old girlfriend to Jake's birthday party.
The Unfortunate Little Schnauser
Charlie is nominated for an advertising award against his arch nemesis who always wins.
The Spit-Covered Cobbler
Alan becomes financially strapped when he starts paying his young girlfriend's bills.
Golly Moses, She's a Muffin
Kandi moves in with Alan, causing tension in the house.
Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro
Charlie is sleeping with Kandi's mother as Alan tries to win Kandi back.
And the Plot Moistens
Alan finds he has more in common with Jake's teacher than with Kandi.
Just Once with Aunt Sophie
Charlie and Alan help Jake prepare for his first boy-girl party.
Arguments for the Quickie
Charlie's ex-girlfriend, Mia, comes back in town with an unexpected request, which Charlie follows with an unexpected question of his own.
That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite
Charlie and Mia plan their wedding.
Season 2
Back Off, Mary Poppins
When Alan discovers that Charlie is a member of an exclusive men's support group, he begs his brother to let him join.
Enjoy Those Garlic Balls
Alan overzealously tries to push Judith's new relationship to the next level after Charlie mentions that he'll be off the hook for alimony if Judith remarries.
A Bag Full of Jawea
Charlie tries to save Jake from school suspension by romancing his teacher, with unfortunate results.
Go Get Mommy's Bra
Charlie discovers that he made a big mistake when he lends Evelyn his Mercedes for a day in exchange for her hybrid car.
Bad News from the Clinic?
Charlie falls head over heels for a woman who is better at playing hard to get than he is.
The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance
When Charlie confesses playing a nasty trick on Alan when they were younger, Alan's self image is turned upside down.
A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana
Charlie and Alan employ Berta's crazy sister to cater a party that Evelyn has cornered them into throwing for her.
Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers
Alan meets a woman at the supermarket who introduces him to the kind of fantastic sex life Charlie is accustomed to.
Yes, Monsignor
Charlie's ex-girlfriend comes back into his life with a little more baggage than when she left.
The Salmon Under My Sweater
Jake helps Charlie write a theme song for a new cartoon, and things heat up between Alan and Rose.
Last Chance to See Those Tattoos
Charlie finds out that his promiscuous lifestyle has become the subject of an angry web site.
A Lung Full of Alan
Alan's platonic high school girlfriend comes back into his life and creates contention between he and Charlie.
Zejdz Zmoich Wlosow
When Judith's pipes burst due to an earthquake, Alan invites her to stay with him at Charlie's house.
Those Big Pink Things with Coconuts
Evelyn takes drastic measures to get back into her sons' and grandson's lives after Alan forbids her to see Jake.
Smell the Umbrella Stand
Charlie tries to take Alan and Jake to Las Vegas in order to distract Alan from an impending medical procedure.
Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth?
An already stressed Alan is pushed to the limit when Judith leaves Jake with him while she goes on vacation.
Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam!
After Charlie injures his back during sex, Alan takes him to the doctor.
It was 'Mame,' Mom
Charlie makes Alan pose as his life partner at a business party thrown by a gay ad executive.
A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise
Alan goes on a date with one of Charlie's ex-girlfriends.
I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey
Unable to express the anger they have toward the women in their lives, Charlie and Alan take it out on each other.
A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On
Charlie, Alan and Jake accompany Evelyn to her second-husband's funeral.
That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother
Alan goes on a nightmarish blind date in order to repay a debt to his mother.
Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab
Alan reluctantly leaves Jake at Evelyn's for a sleepover and winds up partying with Charlie and a busload of beautiful female volleyball players.
Does This Smell Funny to You?
Charlie unknowingly sleeps with an elderly man's hot young trophy wife.
Season 1
Pilot
Carefree jingle writer Charlie Harper has his lifestyle altered when his uptight brother and his 10-year-old nephew move in with him.
Big Flappy Bastards
Despite warnings from Charlie, Jake continues to feed seagulls on the deck and the birds invade the house. Meanwhile, Charlie thinks Judith is taking advantage of Alan, who keeps going to her house to fix things.
Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell
Jake wants to go home to his mom after he gets sick, prompting Alan to think he's a failure as a husband and now as a father.
If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song I'm Going to Take a Nap
Charlie can't function when his housekeeper storms off because of Alan's constant complaints, so Alan tries desperately to woo her back. Meanwhile, Rose comes to Charlie for dating advice.
The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump
Alan and Charlie have encounters with some highly libidinous soccer moms, but with two very different outcomes.
Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?
The guys go to Evelyn's house to meet the new man she's dating, and Charlie realizes the man's daughter is a woman he's trying to avoid.
If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake
Judith is upset with Alan and Charlie when she learns that a surfer who uses Charlie's shower walks around half naked in front of Jake . Then Alan's worried when Judith and the surfer become friends.
Twenty-Five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful
Alan tricks Charlie into joining him and Judith in leading Jake and his classmates in the school's annual music show.
Phase One, Complete
Charlie is convinced that a woman who spent the night with him wants to turn their relationship into something serious after she befriends Jake and Evelyn.
Merry Thanksgiving
When Charlie's favorite ex announces that she is going to get married Charlie attempts to win her back. Tensions arise at a family Thanksgiving.
Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor
When Alan is surprised to see that Judith has had a makeover and is dating a man, he decides to have Charlie help him transform his image.
Camel Filters + Pheromones
Berta's granddaughter spends the day at Charlie's, which isn't a problem until he learns she's a beautiful, rebellious 16-year-old.
Sarah Like Puny Alan
Charlie nurses an ailing Alan back to health so they can go on a double date with two sisters, one of whom Charlie's been wanting to date for a long time.
I Can't Afford Hyenas
Charlie's financial manager informs the carefree jingle writer that he spends money faster than his royalty checks come in, and now he must go on a budget.
Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick (1)
Despite Alan's warning, Charlie falls for a seemingly crazy woman named Frankie that he meets at the garage.
That Was Saliva, Alan (2)
Charlie is perplexed when Frankie, the mysterious woman temporarily living in the Harper household, begins falling for Alan and not him.
Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats
Charlie's still brooding over Alan's choice of their cousin as Jake's guardian if both parents die when the boy has an accident while in his care and has to be rushed to the hospital.
An Old Flame with a New Wick
One of Charlie's ex-girlfriends is now a man. It gets better: He starts dating Evelyn, who's clueless about his past history with her son.
I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You
Judith's devious siren sister stirs things up at Jake's 11th birthday party when she hits on Alan. Meanwhile, Evelyn brings alcohol and has a party of her own.
Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark
Jake's sullen mood baffles and bothers the family and prompts Alan and Judith to take him to a child psychologist.
No Sniffing, No Wowing
Charlie plays a tricky game when he gets involved with Alan's divorce lawyer, who could make things difficult for Alan if she were, say, dumped by a self-centered lothario.
My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet
When Charlie discovers that Alan is sleepwalking, he believes it's related to his brother's lack of sex following his divorce, and comes up with a cure.
Just Like Buffalo
When Jake repeats one of Charlie's sexist remarks in front of Judith's support group, the women convince Judith to stop Jake's visits with his dad and Charlie.
Can You Feel My Finger?
Charlie has a pregnancy scare involving one of his one-night stands and decides to go for the big "V," and we're not talking Vegas.